I have lived and loved every moment of confession, reprise, prose, and documentation on this blog of mine.
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it has truly been a comical and beautiful season of high school and early college.
thanks family and friends and those out there who've ever taken
good from what i've had to say.
you can now read more at:
Jesus was the embodiment of compassion.
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He was love incarnate.
When He walked the earth, care wore skin.
Nobody had pointless conversation or noise to Him.
And I've just been thinking...
How can we be compassionate if we don't feel what others are feeling?
If we don't know their pain?
If we don't hear them?
And thusly, how could we ever know anyone's pain if we don't listen?
If we don't put a hand on that drunk guy's shoulder...
If we don't make eye contact with that human being on the street,
who's been treated like nothing more than a dog...
to name less than a few...
And frankly, how can we listen and hear and see
if we don't GO to these people and give them a chance?
Jesus gave everyone the benefit of the doubt and listened to them.
He didn't know the meaning of "not a christian."
And maybe we listen...but do we listen respectfully?
to feel what someone feels requires complete respect.
Not condescension about what they should or should not have done.
I wonder how many times I've listened to people with the look of
understanding the whole time but simultaneously was thinking
about how stupid they are to fall or make "that kind of" mistake.
Do I respect other peoples' minds and needs and questions and faults?
Can we learn to realize that every single human is in the same boat?
people on earth.
same breath, same blood, same brain.
Someone's story of failure and need may be different from mine, and maybe they
don't know yet that Jesus is the filler and the fixer, but that only means God likes
the diverse to paint His picture; it does not mean that I'm better, with more answers.
Running to Someone bigger is the only answer I have.
Which, frankly, has nothing to do with my personal character and everything to do with His.
which was this:
that He just loved.
I don't want to know where we'd all be if He didn't.
And I want His bride to learn to do the same,
for the rest of this world and that white dress she gets to wear.
I want to be apart of His movement.
I want to see people for people.
Not wrong and right.
No wonder millions, plus me, follow Jesus blindly...
He was too intriguing and kind not to.
Days and situations and circumstances have a brilliant
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way of making sure to fence you in on every side.
It all will back you into a corner and make sure
you have nowhere to turn.
like that one part on starwars. calm down, boys.
i don't watch starwars. but i absolutely was in the
room when my father and all my boy cousins did.
there's some part where the walls are literally closing
in on princess leah and...that other guy she was with.
(who i obviously found
living on this earth, i've never found an escape
quite like Jesus Christ. He knows the secret passage way
that gets me somewhere.
i look right, no help.
i look left, no one.
i look up and around, to things and people,
to self-will and self-discipline,
to structure, to routine, to schedule.
nothing will hold me.
nothing will comfort me.
i lie to myself.
but never let the trick take root.
i have no where else to go,
but into God.
i have no where else to fall.
but into God.
and this is a hilarious discovery...
because i'm wondering how long it will take,
how many times i'm going to have to shout in the streets,
until i realize that He's the only one who can do what i need to be done.
this is a beautiful discovery.
the kind that enhances and makes life better and richer.
everything bad happens,
and no one can say the right thing.
nothing makes sense,
and no one can put pieces together for me.
then, at my wits end, i fall back into a conversation with
the Timeless friend of mine...who won me years and years ago...
and He rarely has to say more than a word to establish my
shaky ground again.
i'd like to learn this permanently.
instead of again and again,
after disappointments and let downs.
but at least i'm learning it.
i hope we all learn to learn it.
i hope we all learn it.
He's the only fixer.
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I don't think anyone really knows how to live it.
Even if you're raised the perfectly right way, in the Truth of the Only God.
I have never seen such real rawness in myself...
I've been prone to invincibility for so long.
But here's what I'm am learning, what is being etched in me again and again and again.
In my brokenness, God is put together.
He is so put together.
In every last soft spot, every missing link and piece,
every splinter in the fence,
He is my only guarantee of safety,
I was made to walk with Him.
I was made to know Him.
Mistakes and sin came after this purpose.
remember? did we know that?
God made me with the intent
to walk with me and to know me...
before fickleness caused an accident.
me is so much bigger than me should be.
to fear my power and ability to screw everything else
is little else than exaggeration and...flattery.
In the light of Who Jesus Christ is,
and what He continually calls me to,
I am very small.
My decisions are very small.
Inside of His arms,
what needs to happen will happen.
If I stay close to Him,
closer than close,
I am established.
Not only fulfilling my purpose
of loving and being loved,
but also watching all the lines
fall into place,
Because Jesus is leading the dance.
He is leading me.
This is all I know.
This is all I am sure of.
This is all that makes sense.
I had to so much to say, and so much figured out when I was 15.
And then life happened.
And now, amidst a changing, evolving, shifting
set of circumstances, like dumping sand and
forming different shapes,
I realize that being a Christian has very little to do
with knowing much,
with knowing everything or anything.
Bearing the name isn't likely to be the greatest revelation
or the lifting and exalting of our finite selves and our finite minds.
Being a Christian is simply
to the absolute end of end and beginnings of beginnings,
alive, well and blessed.
confused, frustrated, discouraged.
in the middle of the grind, the furnace, or the glorious.
sometimes one moment in life will be all of the above listed at once.
but I have Someone to carry me.
I have Someone to answer me.
I have Someone to keep me hoping and moving forward.
No matter what.
(What is no matter)
And, in the weirdest and hardest season I've ever lived,
I can say-- that's enough for me.
He's enough for me.
Today I woke up from a nap
and, whilst stretching, annoying sighed
a vexed prayer His way...
"Why...this doesn't make sense.
I don't understand how any of this is okay, or can be.
How do I navigate through this...God..."
And, like it was anything important,
I heard Him in my heart, close, say,
"well. let's go talk about it. get your stuff and we'll talk."
no booming, corrective word.
just a date.
just time spent with Him.
He takes the weights off of my shoulders.
He takes the pressure out of my days,
and the pain away from what matters.
He lifts me...
He is light.
the kind that shines and the kind that is something easy to bear.
I know nothing.
Less and less with every step I take.
But, mark my words,
I will live my life to watch His knowledge and Glory
consume every perplexing
and beautiful ounce of this place,
of this time,
and of all the millions ahead of me.
This is mainly used for revelations worth sharing.
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To have two so close in time to one another is pretty rare these days for me.
but here goes.
I live in Albuquerque, New Mexico and am going to the University of New Mexico.
I was born here.
I graduated kindergarten, elementary, middle, and high school here.
I have been going to the same church since I was conceived.
so...when everyone around me who's done the same thing are all deciding
to make some decisions regarding their lives, I feel the need to do the same.
what I have come to realize as of late,
is that I already have made them.
I have chosen to stay here.
to live here.
to thrive here.
to pursue a (FREE) education here.
But I have been acting like it all just happened to me.
Like I was just doing what everyone else was doing.
At first, my choices made sense.
Because all the safety nets stayed around me.
Mom, Dad, friends, common hangouts and spots and a music scene.
But now, those things are changing,
and I'm still left with my life.
The bed I've made.
Regardless of why or when I chose to choose my here and now,
it is still my here and now.
the bed i've made.
when things are as comfortable as ever in this bed,
i feel that what's happened to me recently is something like waking up.
waking up and thinking, "how did i get here exactly?"
i'm not disturbed or bothered about where i am,
but i do think that all the little steps i've mindlessly
taken, like the lottery handout
like the chance to live with my sister and brother
like the chance to record music...
have gotten me here.
a hundred little one-foot-in-front-of-the-other-moments have given me this result.
at the time, i decided most of it and lived most of it because it was what was
right in front of me.
but again, let the dust settle after a shift and a change, and
those choices are still looking at me,
asking to be finished and carried out.
the bed i've made.
don't get me wrong.
i love my life. but it's time to do it on purpose.
it's time to really soak it up and realize where i'm at.
to live it wholeheartedly.
because i have responsibility for it.
It's not me and my five best friends hanging at the mall every sunday,
or in nob hill every friday,
waiting for a husband or a monkey wrench in all my plans
that will take me across the world.
life, right now, and probably always,
will be about being faithful and purposeful.
here is the tonic note and focal point
of what i have realized, driven home by today.
i was walking to class and was thinking all of the above,
i kept thinking,
"I've made my bed and now I have to lie in it.
I have to be faithful, I have to own this stuff.
Worship leading, loving Jesus, studying languages.
Without the world around me noticing, or pushing,
or caring, or encouraging me to keep at it.
I have to choose this. And I will."
and then Jesus interrupts and says, (SO clearly)
"Jayne, make your bed and jump on it.
Like it's yours.
Love it like it's yours."
And that's the Guy i know and love.
He's the one worth all this trouble and sacrifice.
I laughed all the way to the door.
In front of people, embarrassingly enough.
Every class, every person, every song and every day,
my bed to jump on.
my stuff to own and enjoy
and be proud of.
To tromp around, loving my here and now.
So that, wherever my here and now may be in days to come,
my heart is joyful, and I am at peace with the steps that God
Making a wonderful noise on the springs beneath me.
I thought I was an adult when I went on a road trip for my high school graduation with my 4 best friends.
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I thought I was an adult when I chose to live with my dad full time.
I thought I was an adult when I went to school and worked all week long.
I thought I was an adult when I let a gentleman take me out for the first time.
I thought I was an adult when I stood in a recording studio, and then in front of a camera, or on a stage.
I thought I was an adult when I moved out and paid a couple bills.
I thought I was an adult when my heart got swollen over somebody for the first time.
I thought I was an adult when I watched all my other friends choose different directions and I stayed.
I thought I was an adult when I faced questions about my God, about my morals...about what was really true.
I thought I was an adult when I had car trouble and stuff got stolen from me once.
but all those times I never was this alone.
now hold on a second. because I'm not the "bad" kindof alone.
It's the healthiest alone I've ever met with.
but it's a different feeling. it's a different place.
the more than happens to me in this life,
the more things I have to discuss with my Jesus...
the less I understand about this broken world,
and this little girl in me that hates change.
so much older.
I babysat all of my little cousins last night.
and I was fascinated by all of it...
I mean...they're so small...but I started
to wonder, watching them play, what makes them different from me.
I guess what makes a real grownup is what goes on in their heads.
all that mattered in that moment was the pizza, the ranch, whose turn
it was to do what, who played winner.
that was ALL that mattered to them.
and now, 21 years old, playing with them, none of those things matter.
in fact, I use them as a distraction.
i had this moment, while we were playing hide and go seek.
all the lights were off and we had the jams bumping.
I found a spot behind this loveseat in a corner.
i smushed myself amidst it, the wall, and a table with a lamp.
so dark, so unseen, i could've stayed there forever and those
little ones would've never found me. i pressed my face up
against the wall and felt the bass line (ultra-pop, haha).
i closed my eyes and wanted to cry.
disappearing in that split second seemed so desirable to me
when i think about life without my best friend...when i think
about how hard it is to let things shift and rearrange.
when i think about our paths separating, even if they'll forever
be side by side.
and then, the Holy Spirit met with me, answered my pretending
right back with an urge.
you just can't stay here.
you have to go for it.
you have to take your own chance and way to get there.
i love my Friend. obviously, my direct thoughts were with the game.
i needed to hop out when i had the chance and tag base.
but my heart was with all that it meant to me, in greater depth.
(i know you guys...i know...too artsy for most, but i'm just a poet.
i am a lyrical girl, completely too sensitive. i've come to terms
with it and can usually use it for the greater good of everyone.
believe it or not, i really think this way all the time...embarrassingly enough.)
and that God of mine gets it.
so He tells me to hop out for base, in the game, and in my life.
I am finally understanding that it's time that i make a run for it.
I have to make my own run for my own life.
God and I, Our Own.
He had to get Hannah and I alone.
because He knows all we want is to let Him be everything to us.
and this is the route to get to that place.
it is as terrifying as my girl's adventure down under.
being real, the hiding spot is dark and tight enough to chill in
for a really...really long time.
but That Man won't let me...
That God is the nudge to make a run for it.
and with all of this new, acquired experience will come wisdom.
and with all of the wisdom,
will come adulthood.
the kindof adult i've always wanted to be,
not the ones that just think and worry into oblivion.
not one who hides and stays.
I know this.
and I can say this.
But now, I actually have to do it.
|Subject:||Here We Go.|
Happy Twenty Twelve.
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I've never seen so much ugly in myself or in life, in my whole life.
For the first time ever, I've come to know that there are so
many more decisions to make and things to pray for than "pride"...
than my own future.
This may come as a shock to some of you, and to others still,
maybe you already knew this.
but there is more to life than my future and my dreams.
i'm sorry to say that until this week i didn't know that.
I blog month after month, for years now, about how Jesus is the reason we're
alive. about how no one satisfies like he does.
but i've never let it resonate like it has these past few days...
His goodness is for EVERYONE.
not just me.
everything good that has happened to me, every blessing,
every deliverance, every rescue and promise given and fulfilled,
God intended for it to touch someone else besides me.
God had bigger plans for what He did than JUST to make ME feel better.
(shout out to Patsy this past tuesday for pointing this out)
everything i read, and everything i see is reminding me of this.
everywhere i look, God wants me to see the other people around me.
i got hurt these past few months.
and i sat down.
me and jesus were forever alone because that's how i wanted it.
i didn't care about letting anyone else in or making anyone else
happy because i needed help and saving.
i see myself sitting in dirty bathwater.
never getting up or out of the tub.
last night i tried to explain all of these amazing revelations to
my beloved best friend who just ended up giggling at me.
because there's SO much i'm seeing and taking in all at once that
it's hard to convey everything with my words.
the point is this:
God's goodness is not to be kept for only me.
and i've been so jealous and selfish over it,
because...since so much got taken from me,
i felt like i had to guard what He gave so i didn't lose
oddly enough, God doesn't work this way.
so i have been discontent with it all.
What He gives to me is enough to fill
me and give me purpose WHILE ALSO
reaching to everyone around me.
In acts, an angel frees peter from prison.
and peter doesn't just run free and go get food.
the angel says "go peter, go tell people what God does.
go give them what they're dying for.
go give them the gospel for which we're all living."
my best friend of 15 years
is leaving to australia.
and i've been throwing myself a pity party
with everyday i lose, spent with her.
because she's my weekend.
but the fact alone that oceans and continents
and divides and countries are involved
between us should be reason enough to understand
that this life and these people and this world...
are not for me.
we are all tied together. pieces that fit and work together.
Jesus wants my light to shine in every kind of way.
for all situations. for OTHERS. not just me.
thusly, i'm not hidden under a bushel.
i dunno guys.
this may not be as poetic as usual....
but i get it.
i finally am getting it.
God's love is not contingent on my love.
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God's faith is not contingent on my faith.
God's legitimacy is not contingent on my legitimacy.
God is not real because I feel that He is real every day.
(even if I were to.)
God is not powerful and mighty because I saw Him prove it.
(even if I did.)
feeling "far" from God is only a feeling.
He isn't based on one thought anyone in this world thinks.
He exists. Period.
He moves and gives and keeps moving and keeps giving
no matter how many times the people he loves and the
people he made shout at him and against him and scream
at the top of their lungs that He is not good, that He is not here.
I've been pretty negative lately.
like a rollercoaster.
i, myself, am so very fickle and weak.
the dust of the dust.
but still, in the midst of embarrassing cry
sessions, of thoughts full of poor perspective
and a thousand questions...I find myself telling myself
and all my feelings and wounds and sighs and
look at your amazing life, every day full of one million plus blessings.
it's brilliant how i still find things to be bothered about:
you have to pay for things (so many people across this world don't have money enough to pay for more than a meal.)
you can't do and have everything you want. (Jesus knows what you need and gives it abundantly.)
you have to go to school and get a degree (learning what you love, for freaking free.)
one thousand boo hoos for my complaints.
He is still so good. And it doesn't matter how i choose to see it all or believe it.
because He won't depend on me and what i think.
He will still be good. He will still be God.
cry a river, self, but God will and can still keep every tear in His bottle.
A rushing river of sorrow, my world crashing down, still fits in God's palm.
He is more than we will ever understand.
I don't know why we try to.
He is so relevant and present,
and His love is so unavoidable,
like breathing, like life and surroundings.
It's so great, and it's so huge and it's so intricate,
that most days, we WOULD miss it.
and that's okay.
because He is not contingent on my missing it.
He just plain is.
He is my beginning and my end.
the ground forever under my feet.
the one thing that lasts and will not change
or shake or falter.
even if i fall for the lie that i'm sinking.
and every loose end and knot
of my life will be tied up into
something wonderful by the end of it all.
so tough, flesh.
whine on, but my heart's gonna sing louder.
God promises us awful moments in life. He says they WILL happen.
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But He also promises an incredible future, full of unimaginable moments
If both are gonna happen, I feel like maybe He's a little bit more than time.
He's more than the meaning to our moments. (ANOTHER!)
Today in church I was reminded that God created us for relationship.
Just look at the creation of the world. He could've had it all to Himself
but chose to share it with us as soon as it was ready.
then, to make it even more legit, He gave us the power to choose what we want.
all by ourselves. without His help.
He decided to limit His own Power just make our love that much more sweeter
and real when we decide on our own accord to give it to Him.
By this, I know I wasn't made for all the moments.
They're slightly schizophrenic and that's slightly annoying.
I, and the rest of this place whose floor I rest my feet on,
was made to talk and go through life with God.
Within each moment I can't always explain or
understand or correctly respond to,
I was made to commune with Him.
If this wasn't true, then I, still knee deep
in a mess, wouldn't be nearly as overjoyed as I am,
I wouldn't be as safe-feeling and content as I am,
with Jesus at my side.
"Even when the way goes through Death Valley,
I'm not afraid when you walk at my side." (Psalm 23:4)
His power will change my circumstances, He wants me to have
an amazing life, and is holding it out to me.
He died so that I didn't just have to go through life
sick and hurting without His Name and His truth to
overcome it all. I know this. He's not just a friend to walk with.
He is the Grace that gives me a life I could never deserve.
...But...whenever I am at a loss on the Journey of it all,
whenever words and thoughts and finite minds
don't do all this darkness around us justice, whenever I'm
without the light I need to see way down the road,
when I'm in the muck of it,
He is enough.
Enough for anything and everything.
He's so nice, He's so accepting.
He's so understanding. He's so romantic.
He says just what I need to hear.
When I tell Him the same thing over and over again,
day after day, and don't let Him get a word in edgewise,
when I go to bed and sigh an angry goodnight His direction,
He doesn't leave. He doesn't stop loving me.
He doesn't stop giving. He doesn't blink.
The sun still rises the next morning.
The coffee still tastes amazing.
My fingers still punch piano keys and my voice still lifts.
The corners of my mouth still fold into a smile,
and my family and friends still find me and make me laugh.
The clouds still gather
and He still says my name with the rain that falls afterward.
He still whispers all His promises about our future and about the cost
and about the adventure and about the fact that all of this is worth it,
He still whispers this to me in even the most turbulent of hours.
It is completely gorgeous outside this second,
And I hear Him even now.
If this God is that kindof enough,
Then I'm going to choose Him
against every odd.
For as long as We Both shall live.
okay so now the roof's off the place.
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and all of the sudden,
i'm outside in wilderness.
and i'm looking into the eyes of the Love of My Life,
He plans to set me on fire and watch me run.
(in the most romantic and purposeful of ways.)
"Okay, little one. Now you start running. Run all the way down in that direction, and jump.
When you jump, it's all over. I do the rest. Okay?"
"Okay...but, what do i do with all this stuff?"
At this point and time i am holding a thousand trinkets in my hands uncomfortably.
A giant backpack covered in pins and ribbons, a vest and a fanny pack...stuff everywhere,
attached to every hook and hole of my clothing.
Between my fingers, around my wrists...things that were pretty at one point,
but now they just make it hard for me to function and they sure are noisy...
"I mean...You'll run with me, right?"
"Yes." Smile. "What you do with that stuff is let it go. Here--"
He starts to unravel the strings and untangle the tassels.
My knuckles are white.
I'm squeezing His hand that is holding my junk SO tightly.
But I'm panicked, looking at Him with wide and terrified eyes.
"I need this stuff."
"For what? The sky? For flying? You can't have it with you up there, beautiful."
The wind is the only thing whispering on this cliff.
My nose is red and my lips are chapped. It's chilly.
I can hear Him breathing. He is looking intently at me.
I'm looking around as if the rocks were interesting enough to
avoid His stare.
I'm ashamed of how long i've collected everything anyway...
I didn't want to take it with me anymore anyway.
And He had never given me a reason to think I needed
anything besides Him.
He sighs and nods.
"Here, We can run and strip it all off at the same time. It'll be fun."
"Ha, okay okay. You get it off and I'll gain the speed."
"...Mmhmm. Let's go."
And instantly the music resounds to a driving force under my feet.
I'm sprinting. I'm laughing. I'm panting. I'm moving so quickly.
He's right by me, running, with his hands overlapping mine,
still in brilliant detail loosening every knot, ripping every
safety pin out.
Objects and threads and ropes and clanking metals
are flying off of me at rapid speed.
Left to float in the air behind Us.
I'm screaming for joy as We approach the cliff's edge.
The drums are pounding all the way through my chest
and He shouts, "Ready! Ready?----Wait...wait....
"I can't! I can't!"
and then we jump.
into the sky.
where my entire view has been enlarged and expanded.
up here, how do i NOT hope?
how am i NOT curious at every turn and angle?
poor little trinkets...
literally left in the dust on that mountain.
But I had to let go and let Him
give me my hands back.
I needed to be weightless.
it was the only way to gain speed enough
so that we could fly.
The Hardest and the Best Thing.
Feels just like this.
I am looking forward to the flight ahead.
Moments where the roof gets screwed off the top of my head are moments i like to
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jot down quickly on this blog.
It's frightening to let go of what you know you have.
loosening your grip on what you want to keep requires alot of discipline.
the discipline of trust.
i feel like i've always lied on my back under a ceiling.
and i love this ceiling.
it is white and i can count the pointies that hang from it.
but Jesus wants to sun-roof it.
he wants to no roof it.
this might be colder.
it's more open, there's more to see...
it's noisier...a little more vague in the sense
of so much more space and air...
it puts me out there.
it makes me...vulnerable...or maybe...
less in control. less powerful.
but...when i let him move the top of my life off,
all those stars:
i can see millions of stars and learn
the million ways he loves me,
the million adventures we'll have.
i have less answers and don't know much
without the ceiling.
but there's that fantastic discovery of
the God of the universe again:
and He's taking me, head over heels.
The God of the universe not being me.
And a starry, full of hope and future sky.
Am I so used to Jesus that he's a friend I only enjoy in the morning? cause I never ask him for anything anymore. I just assume he's here and go through life.
Aha! The cop out got caught...
How sneaky my enemy.
How tricky his complacency.
May I never stop asking.
By this He will transform my life.
And I'll have more than just a friend.
I'll have a God.
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Posted via m.livejournal.com.
let me take a moment to say...
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i don't know what happened to Joe Jonas,
but if his fifteen year-old self met his current self right now, to quote mr.deeds,
the younger version would kick his ay.
this album is nothing special.
and it bums me out for him.
all he's officially made himself good for are club thumping jams.
years ago, on this same website, i blogged a confession about being a fan
of the Jonas Brothers.
haha, hasn't changed since!
but my, how the times have.
i just had to say it.
God and I have pretty fantastic conversations at my piano.
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This doesn't make me more awesome than you, because it's pretty awkward
when I find myself singing out our dialogue...but hey.
He speaks in ways that we can really hear him.
Jamming alone must do it for me.
here's what I heard today.
"Don't miss your miracle."
I hate when people mention beauty being
found in the eye of the beholder, and that perspective
is everything when it comes to how you view life and live it.
because that means that essentially,
we can all live relative-esque, grey lives that are solely
defined by what we each choose to think.
that's too vague and too empowering for me.
there's an absolute truth.
His name is Jesus and His blood is thee Legit.
what i mean is...don't miss your miracle because
you refuse to see as you should.
this is what Jesus told me.
Abednego and his bros in the fire.
They walked out unscathed. MIRACLE.
but what if they cursed God's name because of
the little fact that they were thrown in there in the first place?
How terribly sad for them if they did.
And here i am.
with a new phone and a new car.
a friend of mine who doesn't even know my God yet
pointed it out to me today.
Here i am, walking in the dark, believing blindly in the faithfulness of God,
because my stuff got stolen weeks ago.
am i walking blindly because my world is dim,
or is it a sortof
blindly by choice?
possibly and quite likely the latter.
I refuse to miss the fact that I have walked out
of horrible situations unscathed because those
horrible situations happened.
This world's a broken place, with lots and lots
of rainstorms that can really soak ya.
but My God is above this place.
and He's crazy about me.
He fought hell for me once.
And I know He plans on doing it again and again as
this round sphere keeps turning.
I refuse to miss my miracle(s).
They're so obvious.
As obvious as bread falling from the sky.
And I refuse to complain about Manna like
those spoiled israelites.
In the past three weeks,
I have carried a broken heart around.
I have yelled at God.
I have lost prized possessions.
I have said goodbye to potential that was too good to be true.
I have been without.
I have learned the meaning of the phrase "That's life." in about one thousand hideous ways.
Alone in my head, me and Jesus.
Sometimes I didn't have the patience or the will to let Him say much.
But He never stopped sitting with me.
He has never gotten up and walked away, even if only a few feet further
away from me in the room of my Heart.
We have sat in silence.
We have sat in tears.
(There hasn't been one day gone by where I haven't cried.
Did you guys know that?
My eyes are a fiercely tossing ocean. There's no other way to put it.)
And now, on this day, Friday, September 30, 2011,
I'm ready for a change of pace.
I don't know exactly what this looks like.
But I do know that I have been overwhelmed enough
by what I think.
I'm tired of hearing myself in my head.
I'm so anxious. I'm negative.
I am worry personified in my head.
And that is not who I was made to be.
I'm sick of the sound of my own voice.
I'm sick of my own personal perspective.
I'm sick of being consumed with what's wrong in my life.
Who ever said it was MY life to begin with??
I gave it up ages ago, and I'm surrounded by people who
are involved in it too.
I'm tired of me.
I have no fresh thoughts on my own.
Just doubts and fears.
Things are so ugly in our heads.
No wonder we were never meant to be alone.
So here I am, ready.
Finally I can say, I don't care what I think anymore.
It's old and the most obnoxious of all broken records.
Jesus Christ, sitting in front of me,
What are you thinking?
What do you see when you see my life, my circumstances, my pain?
How, Friend, how do I take this and let it bring progress and growth and beauty?
How do I trust you? More?
How do I gain wisdom throughout this Hellfire-of-a-season?
Jesus Christ, umpire of peace in this torrential wind,
I want Your mind
Think for me. Louder than me. And everyone else. Everything else.
And We will step.
I feel the step happening.
Then another one.
Right in front
in front of right.
Let God be true and every man a liar.
Either Your promises hold water or they don't. Either they're indestructible or they're not.
So choose, Jayne. "Draw a line in the sand" and choose.
I choose to see you raise Lazarus from the dead
even if I had to wonder where you were when he was sick and dying.
I choose to believe You, love of my life.
Because, here is the tonic:
This is not a question of how long I can stay a Christian.
This is not a challenge of what I believe or if I will fall with all
of this city watching.
This is a question of marriage.
Of being His bride.
Will I wait with my midnight oil burning brighter still?
Will I love Him when it doesn't make sense?
Will I continue on when I cannot see?
This is where love and faith is proven true.
I can't run now or ever.
"I'm feeling terrible- I couldn't feel worse! Get me on my feet again."
"Help me understand these things inside and out so I can ponder Your miracle-wonders."
"Barricade the road that goes Nowhere; grace me with Your clear revelation."
"I'm single-minded in pursuit of You; don't let me miss the road signs You've posted."
"I'll transfer to my lips all the counsel that comes from Your mouth."
"Oh, I'll guard with my life what You've revealed to me, guard it now, guard it ever; and I'll
stride freely through wide open spaces as I look for Your truth and Your wisdom...invigorate me
on the pilgrim way. Affirm Your promises to me...what YOU say is always so good."
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Ha. Now We're getting somewhere.
Keep talking, Jesus.
And I'll keep stepping.
My world has never rocked so mightily.
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and i'm not speaking in slang terms.
i'm speaking in literal terms.
i was in a boat, and then fifteen really mean and angry waves lifted it up,
drench me, and threw me overboard.
the seasickness is still here.
and alot of things i wanted, alot of looks i married...
they're either still on the boat,
or they've sunk.
i have nothing and no one
except the one thing.
and i keep thinking...more and more...as it gets easier and easier
to not cry at the drop of a hat and eat food and move on with
a new perspective and a new opportunities to see and have
and learn new things,
(new new new)
i keep thinking,
it's harder to see my dreams now.
but i've never seen them with anything but my eyes of faith anyway.
so i'll strain them and squint if i have to until i see them again.
is everything on fire around you?
is the roof caving in on you?
run through the flames because of what you KNOW is on the other side.
don't stop, don't give up, don't put your arms down.
in the ocean, the giant ocean, swim! the boat was headed to the same place you
can breathstroke to.
nasty waves, sure, but God will be the one to command their rhythm.
it is me and the Man i gave my life to.
and we are on an adventure.
He'll never leave, and we'll never fail.
one arm after the other, over my head, through the water
and the wind and the noise.
i will get to where i am going.
i will see what i am believing.
"Speak to your mountains."
I'm facing a giant window in the portland airport.
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there isn't a trace of blue in the sky, so the whole room is tinted grey.
just like my friend and i like it.
unfortunately, when something is left behind, you start to realize how much you liked it.
how great it was.
how much more you could've done with it.
i tried to read my book, but with this song and this view...i just keep thinking...
if i had this person here next to me, we'd be so content with what's in front of us.
what a city to have this friend with me in.
now that my friend is absent from my life,
i can think of all sortsof things i'd like to do with his commentary at hand.
i don't know if that's the feeling of value realized and treasure lost talking,
or if it's sincere.
i've been telling Jesus all week that i don't know anything anymore.
i just know the One Thing.
and that would be His promises, and His grip on my heart.
so i sit here alone...accidentally allowing my brain to wander to places it shouldn't.
places that make it ache and shift uncomfortably in pain.
no, i shouldn't remember his face at that moment.
no, i can't think of what it'd be like to walk down a street in Bend with him.
no, it's not a good area to hangout around, those thoughts where
my beautiful life enraptures him enough to see you.
my new prayer is that my God will love him harder than i ever could.
my new meditation is that Jesus will hold him tighter than i ever will.
i can't carry him on my back.
i just wish he'd get away from my heart.
it's deceitful above all things...and also easily persuaded.
this city is just too perfect for people like me and my friend.
so this seat i'm sitting in, after a week i've had,
well. it's just a reminder of a wish that things were different
enough to have him in the one next to me.
and i can't be ashamed of that.
because i'm human, with a deep core and feelers on my insides.
and He's walking with us both...no matter how far from each other we obviously
are going to have to be.
for as serious as this feels,
and as annoying as these stings are,
i sure hope that one day i don't look back on this entry, and
on these days, rolling my eyes at these songs.
they're symphonies of my here and now.
and they're to God.
somebody's gotta try and reiterate the kindof hurt that's
happening in me. because it happens in alot of people
just like me, but they're not as good at explaining it as i am.
so i'll keep explaining.
till the irks stop, i guess.
and i'll keep singing
about the One Thing i know to be
true and sure.
-Drive to Oregon
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-Let God talk to you the whole way there, and if you need to, pow-it-out with Him too.
Ask anything, say anything.
Look out the window and let it out in that head of yours.
(a good musical playlist is required for this, too.)
-Cry when you need to.
-Drink fancy espresso drinks frequently. (hot in the morning, cold mid-day, either at night.)
-Take jokes all the way with overkill, laugh way too hard with family.
-Splurge on food you've never had before.
-Worship with intensity.
-Read a scripture that resounds with you over and over and over again.
Spend time with Jesus. Don't rush conversation. Hurt needs more than a second.
-Buy a dress. (sorry guys, I can't think of anything like it for you...dresses hold something nothing else can.)
-Ride a bike and get lost.
(avoid uphills, stand on your pedals when you're going downhill, and listen to a happy playlist. Paul Simon works wonderfully.)
-Spend over an hour in a coffee shop. (no computers allowed)
-Notice the weather, the moment, the landscape, and the goodness of God.
-Journal, journal, journal. (as in, write out words with pen on paper.)
That's all I have so far, but man...with a list like this, God is to be found nearer than you thought.
He swept me away, that's for sure.
Hope never dies. it is always restored.
No one can meet the God of the universe and then afford to forget what He looks like.
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Unfortunately, we all face bankruptcy at one time or another on this journey of life.
Recently, I have witnessed a miracle inside of me.
I want to tell everyone I know, each different person in a different way.
There is no other possibility of my rescue being any one else's fault but the Lord's.
I am literally changed
from who I was just a few months ago.
I feel different.
I look different.
I act different.
And yet, in the midst of such moving difference, I look out ahead of me at familiarity.
School really took its toll on me last year. I forgot everything that was important.
I made new friendships and built on weekend relationships that had me thinking
backwards and compromising in a million different ways...
I know its face like the back of my hand...and I see that old acquaintance in the sea
of days in front.
I beg God for wisdom; so intimidated by the thought of finding myself losing ground,
digressing...going backward. So concerned with being in the same place I was just months
ago. The thought makes my stomach sink.
(I feel like this is where every Christian finds their recurring battle.)
But Jesus doesn't want me living all...wary.
So I was being with Him today,
and I just had this extreme feeling of resolve at Our Piano.
I'm going to need to choose Him.
Above all, He is most beautiful:
prized higher than every dream or person that could come across my path.
Above all, He is most important:
the hiding spot, the restful place, the wisdom.
He will be to me the Voice that I allow to split me into two,
divided, leaving the sloppy flesh behind me.
I will choose the Way He's calling me to.
I will choose His Face.
Because there's nothing more amazing to live for or by or with or because of.
This is the decision that will determine everything else.
I like the kickstart from it,
but what's left to do is called "followthrough"--
and this, I believe, will look like putting that wild Jesus first.
this will be apparent to me and my life via my listening to
and hanging on HIs every word.
so here we go.
a little bit of promise and vision behind a decision.
I feel better already.
i can't believe it's gotten so...full....of stuff.
stuff that i need to make decisions about.
stuff that i don't have the time or the chance to run from.
to write something like this is to be one hundred percent elusive, i know.
i realize it's not fair to talk about how complicated everything is right now without letting this world in on
every little detail. i wish names weren't so heavy and situations weren't so crucial.
(but if that wish was true then they wouldn't matter enough to be needed. it's a vicious cycle!)
here are things i've learned alongside Jesus as we walk this recently very winding road.
- Finding God, no matter how many times it's done, is equivalent to coming home.
- God is better at changing hearts than me. He is better at saving than me. He is better at loving and healing than me.
- I won't always find another voice or opinion useful, much less beneficial.
- Mistakes and cluelessness are beautiful because they keep you constantly reminded of God's Greatness, because He isn't subject to either.
- I am never exempt from slipping, and this is the most humbling realization to me.
- God uses everything as the Master Artist; even the scraps we regret or wish He'd throw away. Somehow, they all come together into the most beautiful picture of our lives, that make other people want to sing about what they see to Jesus Himself.
at this time,
i am becoming more human then i ever let up to being.
because, no matter how godly that fifteen year old girl's mother will say i am,
i still am in the same boat as everyone else.
i still fall to my knees when the resplendent love of God freaks me right out. i still sing the same song as the new christian or that new agey-guy who found his or herself at church and in awe.
i was lifted to this pedestal. i was placed on it accidentally by a bunch of hopefuls.
but my heart is still deceiving like everyone else's.
i'm the woman at the well, who met a Man who told her all she'd done...
i'm not the one giving out water unless i've taken the cup from Jesus.
i finally understand that anyone who meets me will eventually have to say
"i don't believe because of you, i believe because i saw it myself."
and if that's the case, then man....
there goes every last straw off this camel's back....
the pressure is now helium only good for sending off some balloons.
so, in essence, what Jesus is doing is this:
He is wooing me back to a song and only a song, that speaks to people and speaks to me,
about how amazing and perfect He is for us all.
the home we've been looking for.
(don't forget that all those words from the mouth of God into my heart came because of a complicated life.
take heart, twenty somethings.)
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